You should never take advice from someone who thinks red paint dries quicker than blue paint.

The fish dreamed of escaping the fishbowl and into the toilet where he saw his friend go.

It isn't difficult to do a handstand if you just stand on your hands.

I've traveled all around Africa and still haven't found the gnu who stole my scarf.

The most exciting eureka moment I've had was when I realized that the instructions on food packets were just guidelines.

He shaved the peach to prove a point.

As the rental car rolled to a stop on the dark road, her fear increased by the moment.

I am happy to take your donation; any amount will be greatly appreciated.

Improve your goldfish's physical fitness by getting him a bicycle.

It's never comforting to know that your fate depends on something as unpredictable as the popping of corn.

Cats are good pets, for they are clean and are not noisy.

Today is the day I'll finally know what brick tastes like.

Please tell me you don't work in a morgue.

The balloons floated away along with all my hopes and dreams.

To the surprise of everyone, the Rapture happened yesterday but it didn't quite go as expected.

Andy loved to sleep on a bed of nails.

He ran out of money, so he had to stop playing poker.

She saw the brake lights, but not in time.

There's a reason that roses have thorns.

They throw cabbage that turns your brain into emotional baggage.

I am never at home on Sundays.

I thought red would have felt warmer in summer but I didn't think about the equator.

Pantyhose and heels are an interesting choice of attire for the beach.

Waffles are always better without fire ants and fleas.

The tears of a clown make my lipstick run, but my shower cap is still intact.

As time wore on, simple dog commands turned into full paragraphs explaining why the dog couldn’t do something.

People who insist on picking their teeth with their elbows are so annoying!

Everyone says they love nature until they realize how dangerous she can be.

The minute she landed she understood the reason this was a fly-over state.

Two seats were vacant.

Behind the window was a reflection that only instilled fear.

They say that dogs are man's best friend, but this cat was setting out to sabotage that theory.

The pigs were insulted that they were named hamburgers.

The bullet pierced the window shattering it before missing Danny's head by mere millimeters.

The sun had set and so had his dreams.

I don’t respect anybody who can’t tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke.

The dead trees waited to be ignited by the smallest spark and seek their revenge.

When money was tight, he'd get his lunch money from the local wishing well.

She wrote him a long letter, but he didn't read it.

The team members were hard to tell apart since they all wore their hair in a ponytail.

You should never